Sunday, January 1, 2012

Special Bonus Letter: There's Crime Everywhere

Dear Lou Williams,

Earlier this week you claimed that a man with a gun attempted to rob you, but that you ended up treating him to McDonald's instead. "There's crime everywhere," you told the Daily News. "I was debating whether to pull off to help the guy. The gun was already out. He did all the talking, and we came up with a solution before I could really say much. I treated him to McDonald's." I'm writing, Lou, because I'm confused by your account. You were debating whether to pull over, even though the guy had a gun out? That's not smart at all. And then, when you pulled over, the guy with the gun did all the talking and y'all "came up with a solution"? That sounds like you actually did get held up. It sounds like he held you up at gunpoint and forced you to buy him McDonald's. You got off easy, Lou, but don't spin it like it was your choice. It was the guy with the gun's choice, it seems to me. And the strangeness of your account of this robbery-turned-McDonald's-trip doesn't end there, Lou. In the same article about the incident, you say the following: "A guy tried to rob me but decided not to because of whatever I do in the community. He's a Lou Williams fan, so he didn't rob me." Since you claim you didn't say much, I'm assuming he recognized whatever you do for the community on his own. Something along these lines: "Give me all your mon--wait a second. Aren't you Lou Williams? You do a lot for the community..." This scenario is hard to imagine, Lou. Maybe I'm wrong--I don't follow the 76ers and haven't been to Philly in a while--but I don't remember ever hearing your name before this incident, even though I watched a couple Sixers playoff games last year, so I'm surprised to find that there's such a thing as "a Lou Williams fan." My cursory research tells me that you're not a starter and that you didn't play in college. I suspect that if the McDonald's story is true, and it very well may be, then this gentleman with the gun might be the Lou Williams fan. In which case, you got lucky, Lou. Very lucky. I'm truly glad you're okay, but what I'm getting at is this: Where is this man, the one who was about to rob you until he recognized you and appreciated whatever you do for the community? Where is he? Produce the robber, Lou. We want to believe you, but we need to see this man and hear his side of the story.


Burke Nixon

P.S. In my cursory research, I also discovered that the motto on your Twitter page is the following: "Humble as they come...real as they get..." Come on, Lou. You should know that the very nature of the phrase "humble as they come" means that you are not as humble as they come. That phrase is literally a humble brag.

P.P.S. If the gunman has already come forward in the local Philadelphia media and your story has been corroborated, I apologize for this letter. Also, if you continue to average twenty a game like you've done so far in this young season, I'm sure there'll be many more Lou Williams fans. I wish you the best.